All kinds of wrong: eggcorns, mondegreens and malaphors

As learners, you have a small advantage over native speakers. You are not customarily exposed to certain nonstandard expressions. Therefore there are plenty of mistakes you are simply unlikely to commit. Consider these sentences:

• Ain't got a problem
• I like them sneakers

Granted. By and large, English learners and native English speakers tend to make different kinds of mistakes. Sometimes, though, we can find an unexpected overlap. An inexperienced English student, for instance, may use the infamous double negative. For different reasons, (emphasis, register, dialect, lack of formal education) some native speakers may commit the very same "mistake". Just watch the first 30 seconds of this glorious cover of I don't need no doctor, the Ray Charles classic.

Another example: some native users might mess up conditional sentences in a way that should strike a chord with any teacher who has ever taught B2 level: If I would have known that before... This happens because native speakers also fall victim to an old danger: bad references. It stands to reason that speakers whose parents don't have a good grasp on conditionals should perpetrate the aforementioned "crime".

So, what happens when you hear a native speaker use what we can safely call "objectionable English"? (and I don't mean "colorful language" or "taboo vocabulary" here, but plain ungrammatical sentences, nonwords or suspicious idioms.) What do you do then? What happens when you hear two conflicting phrases? For instance: I feel good and I feel well.

A stuffy by-the-book teacher will typically correct the perceived "error"... and s/he will be plain wrong. They will be quick to point out that you ought to say "I feel well". However, that correction would fail to acknowledge a well-established phrase in the English language. Are you going to critize the likes of James Brown and Nina Simone? I don't think so. As an experienced teacher, I can tell you that both are "okay". "I feel well" simply sounds a bit formal whereas "I feel good" has a friendly, colloquial ring to it. I would not say the same about similar structures. The sentence "the negotiation went quite good" grates on my ears. I'm afraid it's a no-no.

Nonetheless, sometimes you'll come across pairs of expressions that cannot be explained away like I just did. That tends to happen when the error does not hinge on grammar rules or lexical precision, but rather on a concept that somehow feels "off". So-called malaphors represent that very scenario.

Malaphors

Malaphors or mixaphors (I love these two blend-words!) present an amusing way of mixing concepts. (When they are not uttered as a phrase but used as an extended rhetorical device, they are typically called "mixed metaphors"). Check out this sentence:

All at once, he was alone in this noisy hive with no place to roost

The "he" in that sentence is simultaneously compared to a bee and a rooster. Isn't that bizarre? Indeed, it is. In point of fact, that's a textbook case of mixed metaphors. Likewise, we should not juxtapose conflicting idioms. Let's assume that you want to characterize someone as a truly original thinker. You can conceivably say something like this: 

This girl really pushes the envelop and blazes the trail.

Both idioms exist (and have the very same meaning), but, clearly the mental picture suggested by that sentence is odd: someone handling a (paper?) envelop while setting a path on fire. I doubt you can do both things at the same time. Anyhow, this wouldn't be an example of two mixed metaphors but rather a prime example of confusing imagery. I don't think I need to explain why something like that should be avoided.

In any event, the reason this happens is that, oftentimes, language learners tend to store/remember just the core "idea" within a particular expression and then build a sentence around that basic notion. Well, native speakers sometimes do the exact same thing. Indeed. Let's say a native speaker is vaguely familiar with two separate idioms:

• Every cloud has a silver lining
• To have a silver spoon in one's mouth

There is a chance that they may get confused in someone's head. This person might end up using a hybrid expression that takes a bit of both phrases: "every cloud is born with a silver spoon in its mouth" (!)

Those two expressions clearly refer to completely different realities. One alludes to the notion of seeing the bright side of a negative situation. The second one refers to inherited money. Yet, as the video above suggests, a native speaker might only remember "the silver element", which can be enough for him or her to mix up both expressions and produce an utterly ludicrous phrase. Okay. I must confess, I've never heard anyone utter the sentence "every cloud has a silver spoon in its mouth, but I have definitely heard people (native speakers) say "Don't worry, we'll burn that bridge when we get there." Again, this is obviously a hilarious combination of two different idioms:

• We'll cross that bridge when we get there
• To burn one's bridges

Trust competent speakers

Why do I bother to mention all this? Because you should be very careful who you trust. A native speaker is usually a pretty good reference, but they are by no means infallible sources of linguistic advice. Also, remember that sometimes educated speakers choose to use an incorrect phrase deliberately, for comic effect or simply because they want to adapt to a specific situation. At the advanced level you should be able to identify a speaker's attitude or tone so you can decide whether a given nonstandard phrase is a mistake or a joke.

Needless to say, we can always come across a native speaker who might not have a good handle on certain idioms. Just like a Spaniard may say "estoy entre la espalda y la pared "(roughly translated: "I'm between the lock and a hard place"), a Canadian English speaker can also make an analogous mistake. What can I say? Some speakers are more competent than others. So, you know what to do. Make sure that the language user you choose to imitate knows what they're doing. Otherwise you may find yourself "screwing your foot in it."

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N.B. To those of you that have watched the video above: I have definitely heard people say "butt naked" more often than I have "buck naked." But the truth is that both expressions are quite common. Should you be curious, you can read this informative article which sheds some light on the actual usage of those two phrases. By the way, in case you are wondering, I always say "buck naked", but, then again, that is my personal choice.

N.B2. Yes. Yes. You don't "screw your foot in it". Either you "put your foot in it" or you simply "screw up".