Monday, December 1, 2025

How to be polite

Seasoned travelers recognize that cross-cultural politeness norms vary and respect is manifested through diverse expressions. Thus, members of cultures where communication is more direct are usually perceived as blunt or unrefined by those who have been raised in communities that value the so-called soft skills. Conversely, what is regarded as civil expression may be considered superpolite in societies which value group harmony and avoid direct confrontation.

In Spain, for example, much of the meaning of an oral message is often derived from non-verbal cues, shared understanding and context. Instead of phrases such as could you possibly...? would you be dear and...? speakers will state what they would like with next to zero softening expressions. Frequent interruptions are seen as a sign of engagement, not rudeness. As a matter of fact, silence in a conversation is often understood as a symptom of coldness or hostility and speaking in a roundabout way may feel contrived and suspicious: the type of language that people resort to when they're trying to hide something. The sentence there is room for improvement is a way of masking an unpleasant truth, namely, that someone is no good enough. Roughly speaking, in Spain we prefer honesty to extreme politeness, which often makes us come across as blunt to members of cultures in which courtesy is a priority. In reality, it is all a matter of perspective and choice. A tactful opinion uttered with an unsmiling face might defeat its very purpose and friendly intonation can sometimes compensate for a potentially crude expression.

At any rate, you're reading this post because you want to know how to use English "properly". Unfortunately there is not one "proper way" of interacting with others. When you ask a friend if they like your new (objectively horrible) sweater, what should you do? Lie? (I think it is nice) Tell the truth? (You look silly in that thing). Be sarcastic? (It definitely sets off your eyes). Avoid a real answer? (It's very you). There is no clear-cut answer. You may argue that it all depends on individual speakers, that everybody is different, that some people are diplomatic while others don't hold back. However, not everything depends on individuals. Whether we like it or not, it is undeniable that certain cultures promote certain modes of expression. And if you're learning English you should not dismiss cultural conventions that happen to be prevalent in most English-speaking communities.

Generally speaking, Americans tend to be more verbally direct than British speakers. What do you need? is not an unusual question in the U.S. A statement such as Netflix needs to fix this problem, for instance, is more likely to be heard in Wisconsin than in Dorset. In a case like that, there is no pressing need involved. The speaker is simply voicing a opinion in a way that is "normal" it their dialect. A British speaker, however, might typically opt for a softer approach: I think they should fix that problem. That second option includes two filters: I think (=it is my opinion) and they should (=it is my advice / they don't really have to do it). Of course, being too courteous can also be problematic. Much like excessive irony, which morphs into sarcasm, politeness can become hypocrisy, involuntary self-parody or even betray the actual meaning of what you are saying. Is it fair to make your interlocutors decode your constant white lies? To a language learner all that may be unclear. The native speaker doesn't have any difficulty understanding verbal cues.

Whatever your thoughts might be on the tricky question of politeness, I believe that an advanced speaker of English ought to be sensitive to the differences that set apart a pressing urge and a tactful suggestion. When asking for a favor, the sequence I need shows little consideration for the interlocutor and reveals a certain sense of entitlement. You can use it in certain contexts, of course, but it probably shouldn't be your default option when you'd like someone to do something for you. Just consider the difference between what you want is... (which is a casual way of giving advice in the U.S.) and if I were you I would.. (which reveals a more tentative approach).

The video below is a tongue-in-cheek explanation of how British manners work. Personally I find it delightful: the actor's tone, his voice, his over-the-top RP pronunciation. Everything is perfect. And even though it's obviously meant to be funny, there is a real message in it.



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How to be polite

Seasoned travelers recognize that cross-cultural politeness norms vary and respect is manifested through diverse expressions. Thus, members ...