How to be polite

Seasoned travelers recognize that cross-cultural politeness norms vary and respect is manifested through diverse expressions. Thus, members of cultures where communication is more direct are usually perceived as blunt or unrefined by those who have been raised in communities that value the so-called soft skills. Conversely, what is regarded as civil expression may be considered superpolite in societies which value group harmony and avoid direct confrontation.

In Spain, for example, much of the meaning of an oral message is often derived from non-verbal cues, shared understanding and context. Instead of resorting to phrases such as could you possibly...? would you be a dear and...? speakers will typically state what they would like and use few softening expressions, if any at all. Roughly speaking, in Spain we prefer honesty to extreme politeness, but there is an obvious downside to our frankness. Oftentimes we come off as abrupt or impolite to members of cultures in which explicit courtesy is a top priority. Personally, I think that a tactful opinion uttered with an unsmiling face defeats its very purpose and, conversely, a friendly tone can sometimes (not always, though) make up for a slightly harsh statement. Still, you're probably reading this post because you want to know how you can be polite in English. Unfortunately, there are no hard and fast rules regarding manners, at least none that can be applied universally, but as an advanced learner you should make sure that you have several different options to be... at least respectful.

Suppose a friend wants your opinion about their objectively horrible sweater, what should you do? Lie? (I think it is nice) Tell the truth? (You look silly in that thing). Be sarcastic? (It definitely sets off your eyes). Avoid a real answer? (It's very you). There is no clear-cut response. You may argue that it all depends on individual speakers, that everybody is different, that some people are diplomatic while others don't hold back. And all that is most definitely true. However, not everything depends on individuals. Whether we like it or not, we must accept that certain cultures promote certain modes of expression and if you're learning English you should not dismiss cultural conventions that happen to be prevalent in most English-speaking communities. Needless to say, there is significant variation among Anglophone people from different cultural backgrounds.

Generally speaking, Americans tend to be more verbally direct than British people. That doesn't mean that British people are more polite than the Americans. It simply acknowledges a proclivity. How can I help you? is a polite question you should expect on both sides of the Atlantic. That said, what do you need? is a colloquial alternative in the U.S. which is something of a no-no in the U.K. Likewise a statement such as Netflix needs to fix this problem is more likely to be heard in Wisconsin than in Dorset. Of course, when a speaker says that someone needs to do something they know that there is no pressing need involved. The speaker is simply voicing a opinion in a way that feels casual and "normal" in their dialect. A British speaker, however, might typically opt for a softer approach: I think they should fix that problem. Note that the second option includes two filters: I think (=it is my opinion) and they should (=it is my advice / they don't really have to do it). Now, being too courteous can also be problematic. Much like excessive irony, which morphs into sarcasm, politeness can become hypocrisy or involuntary self-parody. Also, is it fair to force your interlocutors to decode your constant euphemisms, understatements and white lies? I know that, to a language learner like you, tentative language can be tricky, but don't worry. Even Americans and Brits occasionally misinterpret each other. Their brands of irony, in particular, are poles apart.

Whatever your thoughts might be on the complicated question of politeness, I believe that an advanced English speaker ought to be attuned to the nuances distinguishing a pressing demand from a tactful suggestion. Play it safe and try to use polite expressions. So, when you're asking for a favor, for instance, remember that the phrase I need shows little consideration for the interlocutor and reveals a certain sense of entitlement. You can use it in certain contexts, of course, but it probably shouldn't be your default option if you're telling someone what you would like them to do. Just consider the difference between what you want is... (which is a casual way of giving advice in the U.S.) and if I were you I would.. (which reveals a more tentative approach).

The video below is a tongue-in-cheek explanation of how British manners work. Personally I find it delightful: the actor's tone, his voice, his over-the-top RP pronunciation. Everything is perfect. And even though it's obviously meant to be funny, there is a real message in it.